Chapter 1: I'm Dead

Some professions don't offer a lot of money. Indie Writer and Stylist's Assistant are two that provide very little monetary reward at the beginning. Unfortunately for me, I'm beginning both simultaneously. This means I have to be smart with the entertainment choices I make. One of my favorite things to do is browse Amazon's Top 100 Free list.

There aren't many first lines that will immediately make me abandon a book, but the top one that comes to mind is:

Chapter One

I'm so annoyed that I'm dead. 

I'll level with you: there was a time this would have intrigued me. Really? The narrator is dead? Well what in the bloody blazes happened?

Vampires. It's vampires.

Other openings that lead to me sighing and moving to the next book:

• Flowery descriptions
• Snorting some drugs
• "I have to go and I'm LATE!"
• Any kind of jargon
• "I don't remember who I am"
• Gruesome description of a dead body (that isn't the narrator)

What are some Chapter One: Paragraph One openings that make you want to slam the book into the floor?

Can I have your autograph?

Jennifer Weiner. She probably hates me

Having a book autographed is one of the most fun things I can think of to do. For one thing, usually the author usually reads something from her latest work and/or tells an anecdote about her life. After that, "The Line" starts. "The Line" takes about half an hour to get through, and I use that time to think of some witty thing to say to the author. She'll be so wowed: I'll get her to read my book and tell other people to buy it, and I'll sell a whole bunch of copies because of her. But as "The Line" gets shorter and I can see exactly how much time the author is spending with each person, I start panicking and going over my lines again.

Author: Hey! Thanks for coming by! (Autographs my book)
Me: Oh my God, your books are so great, you know, I'm a writer too!
Author: (forced polite expression) What do you write?
Me: Uh, well, you know. Haha! Whatever I want! Mysteries mostly. Sometimes with a little paranormal. But you know, not like ... anything with vampires or anything.
Author: Okay. (gives the "move along" face)
Me: Maybe one day you'll come to one of my readings!
Author: ("Please leave" face)
Me: Okay thanks!

I leave feeling good about myself, but then I run through the conversation again as I walk to the subway, and I swear I'll never speak to another human being ever again. Awkwardness aside, I still enjoy doing it, and I've seen the same authors multiple times, though don't always talk to them. I'm not stupid.

Request a Kindlegraph

Changed format

Don't I love messing around when I should be doing something constructive? I've actually been writing most of the weekend (and now Monday counts as a weekend day too), so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.

The new blog layout is slick, right? Although, I'm sure there are some old people who probably like it the way it was...

More Subway Art

66th St on the 1 line

I love the mixture of Egyptian and Roman designs