Chapter 1: I'm Dead

Some professions don't offer a lot of money. Indie Writer and Stylist's Assistant are two that provide very little monetary reward at the beginning. Unfortunately for me, I'm beginning both simultaneously. This means I have to be smart with the entertainment choices I make. One of my favorite things to do is browse Amazon's Top 100 Free list.

There aren't many first lines that will immediately make me abandon a book, but the top one that comes to mind is:

Chapter One

I'm so annoyed that I'm dead. 

I'll level with you: there was a time this would have intrigued me. Really? The narrator is dead? Well what in the bloody blazes happened?

Vampires. It's vampires.

Other openings that lead to me sighing and moving to the next book:

• Flowery descriptions
• Snorting some drugs
• "I have to go and I'm LATE!"
• Any kind of jargon
• "I don't remember who I am"
• Gruesome description of a dead body (that isn't the narrator)

What are some Chapter One: Paragraph One openings that make you want to slam the book into the floor?

Can I have your autograph?

Jennifer Weiner. She probably hates me

Having a book autographed is one of the most fun things I can think of to do. For one thing, usually the author usually reads something from her latest work and/or tells an anecdote about her life. After that, "The Line" starts. "The Line" takes about half an hour to get through, and I use that time to think of some witty thing to say to the author. She'll be so wowed: I'll get her to read my book and tell other people to buy it, and I'll sell a whole bunch of copies because of her. But as "The Line" gets shorter and I can see exactly how much time the author is spending with each person, I start panicking and going over my lines again.

Author: Hey! Thanks for coming by! (Autographs my book)
Me: Oh my God, your books are so great, you know, I'm a writer too!
Author: (forced polite expression) What do you write?
Me: Uh, well, you know. Haha! Whatever I want! Mysteries mostly. Sometimes with a little paranormal. But you know, not like ... anything with vampires or anything.
Author: Okay. (gives the "move along" face)
Me: Maybe one day you'll come to one of my readings!
Author: ("Please leave" face)
Me: Okay thanks!

I leave feeling good about myself, but then I run through the conversation again as I walk to the subway, and I swear I'll never speak to another human being ever again. Awkwardness aside, I still enjoy doing it, and I've seen the same authors multiple times, though don't always talk to them. I'm not stupid.

Request a Kindlegraph

Changed format

Don't I love messing around when I should be doing something constructive? I've actually been writing most of the weekend (and now Monday counts as a weekend day too), so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.

The new blog layout is slick, right? Although, I'm sure there are some old people who probably like it the way it was...

More Subway Art

66th St on the 1 line

I love the mixture of Egyptian and Roman designs

Coulrophobia

Before I can start reading a new book, I have to digest this one.

Took me almost a complete month to read IT by Stephen King because it's over 1000 pages. Haven't been able to get through many books that long, but this one I did (mostly).

You might wonder why a person would want to escape a disappointing reality with a horror novel -- I came up with this explanation: even though I wasn't thinking, "I'm glad my life isn't like this!", the story engrossed me to a point where I was no longer thinking about my real life. This is one reason it annoyed me so much that I needed to skim certain areas of the book.

While King is great at painting a gruesome, graphic picture, he also goes into great characterization details and tangents -- most of which are good, but some of which drag and leave you wishing someone would get his head pulled off. So when the kids started doing their stupid, everyday kid things, I'd think, "I sure don't need to have anything to do with this ..." and got the gist of it instead of savoring every word (I'm sorry!).

There were times while I was reading on the subway that something so shocking would happen in the book that I'd physically react, which attracted the stares of others. Mostly I was cool. Didn't miss any stops, but came awfully close. My hour and a half commute went by like nothing.

So while I can recommend this book and I enjoyed it a lot, on a scale of 1-5, I'd have to give it a 3 because of all the skimming. If IT were a fraction of the length, the story would have been perfect.

Reading on the Subway, Balloons, and Being Mean to Characters

My commute every day is roughly an hour and a half each way, which gives me plenty of time to catch up on some reading now that things have settled down. The subway is a great place to detach because who wants to focus on the weird person falling asleep on your shoulder, or listen to the gum-popper or crying baby? Earbuds. Book. Keep your belongings in sight, and have a great day.


I started reading IT by Stephen King because I have a strange fear of clowns stemming back to an episode of Matlock I saw when I was a kid (don't even ask). Anyway, unlike wasps or dentists, I don't come in contact with clowns hardly at all, so I figured reading a horror story about one wouldn't be a huge deal. Thankfully, I was right.

I'm not done with the story yet, so it might get bad really quickly, but for now, I'm enjoying the characterization interspersed with terrifying, violent scenes involving a shape-shifting clown and his multitude of balloons (don't even get me started on balloons!)



Long story short (hah!) this book has given me some great ideas of where to take my current work in progress, Awake. Of course, I won't be copying anything Mr. King has done, but I'll be learning much more about my characters and giving them a lot more background. Because when you care about a character (a lot), it's ten times worse when the author does something horrible to them.

Pusheen

Can I just tell everyone how much I love this necklace? 

Reminds me a little of my own cat.

But pretty much everything reminds me of this little face!